Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Unwatchable: 15 of the worst movies ever made

When most people think of bad movies, titles like Plan 9 from Outer Space or Transformers: Dark of the Moon come to mind. The list I'm presenting contains titles that make Troll 2 seem like solid gold in comparison. You see, I know bad movies as I've studied them for years, and even directed a few clunkers myself. This list contains movies that are so beyond terrible, that they offer nothing in the realm of either imagination or artistic expression.

NOTE: I've strayed away from listing any 50's and 60's schlock (Monster a Go-Go/Manos: The Hands of Fate) as well as mega- million dollar flops (Son of the Mask/Ghost Rider), because I think those titles warrant their own category for cinematic incompetence.

1. DEATH NURSE
First off, I can safely say that EVERYTHING directed by Nick Millard/Phillips should be on this list. Nick Millard has embarked on a cinematic journey of pure and utter trash since he discovered the invention of video tape. Death Nurse is a follow up to Crazy fat Ethel 2 which is a sequel to Criminally Insane, all of which should never have been made in the first place.
Some how, Criminally Insane gathered some kind of small cult following, enough so that Millard was able to make these awful sequels. Criminally Insane is at least shot on film, so it's not AS terrible as his camcorder features, but still pretty abysmal. All of  the movies in the "Crazy Fat Ethel/Death Nurse" series star Priscilla Alden, who is ether cannibalizing someone because she is hungry or chasing people around with knifes because she is crazy. It's hard to tell which is worse because Crazy Fat Ethel 2, Death Nurse and (God help us) Death Nurse 2 all seem to have all been shot on some deranged drug-induced weekend in Millard's apartment. I've honestly seen better videos shot for elementary school projects then anything that has protruded it's way from the "mind" of Nick Millard. His "movies" are so terrible, that you'd be better off watching a training video on how to install a printer than any one of his titles.
2. BILLY THE KID MEETS THE VAMPIRES

Not to be confused with Billy the Kid VS. Dracula, Billy the Kid Meets The Vampires is almost un-describable in it's incompetence. Director Steve Postal shelled out 11 of  SOV cheapies in the early 90's with titles like Curse of the House Surgeon and  Vampires Always Ring Twice, and somehow got himself a review in the Mick Martin and Marsha Porter movie guide, which is the only reason I ever knew that this waste of videotape even existed. Boy,  is this a dreadful experience to sit through. Not only was the film obviously edited on two VCR's, but it also runs a mind numbing 112 minutes, because Postal uses EVERY SINGLE TAKE. One right after the other as if you're watching a series of dailies that go on forever, so you hear every line about three or four times before it even continues to the next shot! The "story" revolves around Billy The Kid moving into a haunted house and eating hot dogs with ghosts while laughing at everything. Seriously... That's the whole movie. Everything about this piece of garbage is so terrible, that after awhile you find yourself laughing your way out of the torment that destroys your eyeballs on screen.

3. POCKET NINJAS
Robert Zdar has appeared in some ridiculous straight to video sludge (Frogtown 2), but why in the hell was he in this piece of shit? Pocket Ninjas not only boasts a ten minute long (!) opening credits sequence, but also some of the most dreadful martial arts ever captured on celluloid. The script feels like it was written by 5 year old kids suffering from severe head trauma, and you have to wonder who in their right mind actually put money into this? When you witness Z'dar playing patty cake with an arch villain while jumping up and down on a balloon, you'll know what I mean.

4.GANJASAURUS REX
If one ever need evidence that smoking pot turned you into a moron, here's your proof. Ganjasaurus Rex is without a doubt, the dumbest movie I've ever seen in my entire life. The "story" revolves around a weed smoking Godzilla wannabe who just can't wait to get high. Shot with a very crummy VHS camera, Ganjasaurus Rex has both terrible sound and picture quality as well as some of the dreariest actors to ever grace as TV screen. With no plot, no point, and the worst Godzilla rip-off to ever grace the screen, Ganja takes the cake.

5. MARINA MONSTER
It's hard to believe in this day and age, with the amount of tools available for aspiring filmmakers, that an abomination like Marina Monster can not only exist, but have worldwide distribution on DVD. I actually picked this up in a 99cent bin because I thought it would be a funny gag gift for a buddy's birthday. Then I watched it, and knew I could never give this to anyone under any circumstances. Marina Monster tries to be a horror-comedy, but fails at every conceivable level. From the horrid acting, terrible music, lousy camera work, and atrocious special effects, Marina Monster is a despicable assault on a viewer's intelligence. When the shark jumps from the water, opens his mouth and yells out, "I'm Hungry! Yum Yum!" you know you've just wasted 90 minutes of your life.

6. REDNECK ZOMBIES
As a kid I was tricked by this clever poster, which promised goofy zombie antics and hot naked bimbos. What I got however, was an hour and a half of SOV bullshit. With no nudity (except a bad close up of breasts on a TV screen) and few good death scenes, Redneck Zombies is just a boring and feeble attempt at a horror film. After some rednecks drink moonshine made from nuclear waste, they turn into zombies and have hallucinations that look like cheap public access effect filters. Originally this turd was released by Trans World Entertainment (Monster Dog) and I guess Troma (Toxic Avenger/Class of Nuke 'em High) just desperate for another movie about toxic waste, bought the rights and are now selling this worthless hunk of  trash on DVD.

7. MARTIANS GO HOME
Randy Quaid hasn't had too much luck lately and maybe it's because he's paying for his cinema sins. When Randy Quaid signed up to star in the absolutely terrible Martians Go Home, he should have known his career was in deep trouble. Martians go Home is based on the novel by Fredric Brown, and revolves around a group of  aliens (played by stand-up comics from the 80's) who try to be as annoying as possible to not only Quaid, but the audience watching this shit-fest as well. This is the most unfunny comedy I've ever had the displeasure of witnessing on the home video market. Not one of the jokes works, even in the slightest bit, within the 90 minute run time. This is just as depressing to watch as two other Quaid outings: National Lampoons Christmas Vacation 2 and The Adventures of Pluto Nash.
8. STOOGEMANIA
As a fan of the Three Stooges, I felt that this video release was the ultimate sacrilege. Director Chuck Workman and actor Josh Mostel should be ashamed of themselves for creating this mess. As an attempt to cash in on the new found Stooge popularity in the 80s' Workman assembled a "script" wrapped around public domain Stooge shorts in order to cash in on the craze. The result is an 83 minute waste of your life as Josh Mostel bumbles around playing a crazed Stooge fan, who hallucinates black and white footage of the Three Stooges at almost every turn. Awful!

9. F.A.R.T : THE MOVIE
Not to be confused with the 1991 Ray Etheridge version of the same name. The original F.A.R.T  is the most obnoxious attempt at a comedy ever. The whole film is centered around some asshole who farts all day to his wife's disapproval. That's it...the whole movie. This just goes on for almost a solid hour and a half, a guy farting while his wife holds her nose. And don't forget about the great music group "The Medicine Wheel Band" that plays a few tunes with titles like "Life Is A Gas" and "Blow it out of your behind..."   It takes a lot of people, money, and hard work to make a motion picture, so one has to wonder - how on earth does something this pathetic get made?

10. HOBGOBLINS
Gremlins spawned it's fair share of rip-offs: Critters, Ghoulies, Munchies, and Troll, but none of these (Not even Munchie Strikes back) can compare to the complete and total awfulness of Hobgoblins. Boring beyond comprehension and lacking any real interest, this movie has garnered a cult reputation because of it's showing on Mystery Science Theater 3000. For some insane reason, director Rick Sloane must be proud of this incompetent landfill, and has produced a sequel Hobgoblins 2! Jim Henson's worst nightmare indeed...

11. SATAN"S STORYBOOK
Don't quite know where to start with this one. It's supposed to be an anthology, but there's only two stories (I guess Satan got a little lazy) and it feels like a porno flick... with no porn. Satan himself sounds as if he has marbles in his mouth because the fake vampire teeth on the actor, make it nearly impossible to hear his dialogue (much like the ghouls in Curse of the Blue Lights) and Gary Bradner (author of The Howling) shows up as a clown who commits suicide...? Satan's Storybook has the feel of a high school play gone terribly wrong in every way possible. The company that released this travesty (Even Steven) made another equally horrible feature entitled Droid which was shot on location at a club called Filthy McNasty's.
12. OASIS OF THE ZOMBIES
If  Redneck Zombies is the stupidest zombie movie ever made then Oasis of the zombies is the dullest. When you have Nazi zombies in a horror film, you should be in for a good time (Shock Waves anyone?) but the folks behind this sorry sack, somehow managed to screw that up. Oasis of the Zombies is the cinematic equivalent of chewing tinfoil next to a loaded microwave. Watch this along with the equally atrocious Zombie's Lake and prepare for an early funeral.

13. DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE!
In the 80's after the success of Friday the 13th and Halloween, slasher films were being made pretty much every month by every amateur with a camera. Most of the 80's slashers were pretty terrible (Final Exam/Offerings), but Don't Go in the Woods is easily the worst of the lot. This film suffers from camera work so horrible, even Andy Milligan would be shouting for a re-take. The campers in this film are being stalked by a Rob Zombie look alike and spend most of their time repeating what might be the worst dialogue ever written onto a page. With lines like, "Get on out here you jerk you! Get outta here you pencil-necked geek!" The music score is also grating to the ear drums, and sounds as if it were composed by running rusted guitar strings over a trash can over and over again. Director James Byron obviously couldn't see the woods through the trees.

 14. TERROR IN THE SWAMP
Originally titled Nutriaman: The Copasaw Creature, Terror in The Swamp is a backyard bomb, and the worst "bigfoot" style creature feature to ever be made (and with movies like Snowbeast that's REALLY saying something). When the movie is shot in Louisiana with characters named T-Bob and Crazy Sally, I guess you know what you're in for. One of the most frustrating things is that we never get to see the monster, only a quick glimpse of a guy in a flea-bitten ape suit. At least the cheesy creature features of the 50's weren't ashamed of how terrible their monsters looked. I'd rather see something than NOTHING!

15.THE STUPIDS
Tom Arnold seemed to have quite a knack for appearing in some of the worst movies to be released in the theaters in the 90's. Films like Carpool and Big Bully were right up there with the likes of Pauly Shore fare, but none are as painful as The Stupids. Based on a series of books by Harry Allard, this filmed adaption centers around Stanley Stupid and his family of idiots as they try and find out who's stealing their trash and inadvertently get involved in a big government conspiracy. One has to wonder what caused a good director like John Landis (An American Werewolf in London/Blues Brothers) to get involved in this 25 million dollar mess? The Stupids is one of those movies that gives you restless leg syndrome within the first five minutes and epileptic seizures soon follow if you continue watching. Why New Line Cinema even bothered to re-release this heap of puke on DVD is beyond me. Can you imagine if Randy Quaid and Tom Arnold actually teamed up and made a movie together? Yikes!

Dishonorable Mentions:

1. MUTILATIONS
I have to admit, I really like this one. Sure it's got one of the worst covers I've ever seen on a VHS tape, and bad acting, horrible effects, and a lousy script, but it's also a laugh riot. There are times when you actually start to think that they made this movie terrible on purpose... But they were very serious when making this Oklahoma style monster flick about an alien invasion. Almost as funny as Troll 2, and for bad movie buffs it's a must see.

2. LITTLE LOST SEA SERPENT
From the twisted mind of Donald G. Jackson (Hell Comes To Frogtown/Rollerblade) comes this awful SOV messterpiece that will have you downing shots faster than you can say Superman 3.
Jackson was notorious during the video years for making some pretty rotten films, but they're brilliant compared to the miniDV features he did with martial artist Scott Shaw in the mid 90's.. Little Lost Sea Serpent is Jackson's worst and even has the atrocious Brad Bufanda from Pocket Ninjas in a starring role. Still, worth seeing for the awful puppet effects that will have you missing the Munchies in no time.

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